Long-termers on here may already know about my love-hate relationship with my Skyline R34 GTR. It was and probably still is my ‘dream car’ but it failed to fill the hole left by my Evo 6 to such an extent that when the wife’s car (the sensible, practical, 2nd car) was due for replacement we ended up with another Evo. And of course, since then the GTR has been languishing in the garage doing not a lot. So, it was time to see if it could be turned into something worth driving rather than just something nice to look at. Having already done the visual mods with a Nismo body kit and Trust lowering springs to sort out the comedy ride height (come back from the continent and remember to check your wheelarches for asylum seekers) it was time for an Abbey Stage 1 conversion…
Figures first. 326bhp @ the hubs, 400bhp @ the pub. Not too impressive these days – especially compared to what people are getting from a Stage 1 Evo 9. Still, a significant upgrade from the original and the result of a full exhaust system, induction kit, ECU, boost controller and remap. So what changes does it bring? The first thing is the full-throttle noise; this car now howls in a frighteningly bestial way - every trip to 7500rpm brings you the glorious sound of a yeti getting his todge caught up in his fly zip. It’s a schizo thing, too, as at normal speeds it’s just as quiet as standard. Of course, lifting off brings the obligatory pops, bangs and the occasional chavtastic flame although presumably it can’t be overfuelling too much as it now does at least 50 miles more to a tank. If you’re brutal with the lift-off you can also get a dog-yelp noise (think Jack Russell sitting on a cactus) which is rather amusing.
The second thing is the choice of performance - the stealth-installed boost controller in the driver’s sunglasses compartment has three boost settings, all labelled “F*ck”: 0.8 bar (F*ck that’s slow, have the turbos broken?); 1.0bar (F*ck, now that’s more like it) and 1.2bar (F*ck, now I really have broken the turbos). I’m sure the 1.2 setting is fine really but adding high boost to ceramic turbines is like bringing Ian Paisley to the Pope’s birthday party – it’ll be fun for a short while but fireworks are guaranteed and you know it’ll all end in tears. Possible best saved for special occasions, then. Which is, of course, why I’ve been driving everywhere with it on max… ah well, if you shut the compartment you can’t see the overboost warning light anyway…
Now to the real question: Is it quicker than an Evo? At long last, I think the answer is yes. Acceleration in the “John Holmes” geared GTR has always been a more drawn out affair than the sprint-special Evo and the ‘linear’ effect is clearly exaggerated by the power increase. It feels like 80-120 is as quick as 40-80 (which given the still-very-much-present lag in 2nd gear at 40 may actually be true). Hit 5th at 125 or so and things get silly as it starts pulling harder than a 13-year old with his first Razzle. I have never kept my foot in to see where it would end up but I suspect this car can now hold its own in most dual-carriageway duels. Dare I say it, it would probably beat off anything below a FQ-340. And as we all know, beating off is where the fun’s at.
So, do I finally have a car that is as enjoyable to drive as my old standard Evo 6 or the wife’s GT-A? Well, nearly. The noise and the speed are genuinely fun but as usual there’s a pube on the soap bar… for this car it remains the computer that controls the ‘handling’. Have you ever seen a silicon chip wearing a chestwig and medallion? If not, have a look in the boot compartment of a GTR and check out Mr ATESSA. He’ll be sat there, gold connectors glinting like teeth, wishing he was in a real man’s car like a Mk3 Supra but in the meantime ensuring he impresses the laydeez with a super-macho display of manly oversteer at every possible opportunity. The end result of the Mr Hero-chip’s efforts is that the GTR wags its tail more than a Labrador with Down Syndrome. This is most noticeable when attempting to perform basic, everyday manoeuvres like overtaking. In these situations, the Evo loves to be flicked. I mean, really loves to be flicked. Like a lesbian with no arms. Engage acceleration, flick onto opposite carriageway, fly past and flick back in again. No fuss, no drama. Trying to flick a GTR in this way is like attempting to bugger a sleeping lion. If you take it steady and you’re really, really smooth you might, just might, escape with your life. Get it even slightly wrong and it’ll wake up and have your bóllocks for breakfast.
The standard car was the same, but with the power upgrade it’s now even more keen to play Ditchfinder General when you’re trying to pass slower traffic. The only way to do it is to proceed at a very gentle angle onto the opposite carriageway, straighten up and ensure there is no more than 0.0001 degree of steering lock applied, floor the throttle, wait for the lag, check your foot to see that the mat hasn’t got stuck under the throttle as you still don’t appear to be going anywhere, check that the steering wheel is still perfectly aligned, observe the approaching lorry that is now rather closer than it was, wait a bit more for the turbos to wake up, ignore the wife calmly pointing out the apparent imminence of death, hold on tight to make sure you’re absolutely dead straight as everything goes warp speed and you scream past three more cars than you’d intended to pass, tuck back in very gently to avoid any sudden movements that may rouse Mr ATESSA from watching his re-runs of Magnum PI in the back, wave politely at the lorry driver who’s doing the special “I’ve seen a Skyline” wave that everyone does (you know, the wrist-action one) and then laugh as you look in your mirror and see one of the Rovers you overtook slew off into a field after the pensioner driving has a coronary from your exhaust noise. It’s kind of fun, but then so is train-surfing or crocodile wrestling or wanking on the bus… either way, one day you’ll get caught out and the result won’t be very pretty.
What’s the conclusion? A Stage 1 GTR is finally a worthy competitor for a standard Evo – I can actually be bothered to get the thing out of the garage to go to work now, which has to be an improvement. However, what the Stage 1 kit, springs and bodykit highlight more than anything is just how utterly, completely, unforgivably crap a standard GTR is. It looks unfinished; it’s pathetically slow; it’s got a stupidly harsh ride; it drinks petrol; it doesn’t handle… in short once you look past the hype it really is a rubbish car. Be in no doubt – the towering legend of the GTR is built entirely on race-bred versions flying round Bathurst, massively modified cars being driven round the ‘ring by pro drivers and, of course, your mate’s cousin’s brother’s one that has a thousand horsepower. None of which have anything at all to do with the sorry effort that Nissan stuck in the showrooms. Fair play, you could say the same about Evos and their rally heritage but next time you hear someone talking about road-going Evos having bugger-sod to do with the rally cars on which their reputation was founded, remember that a standard, unmodified Evo is still a blindingly capable car. Perhaps Nissan will raise their game with the new GTR in 2007 or perhaps they’ll continue peddling a substandard product on the back of the brand’s image. Whatever, until then the MLR can keep on winning the TOTB handling while the GTROC entrants can keep fishtailing into the cones like a bunch of auctioneers… going… going… gone!
By the numbers:
1999 Nissan Skyline R34 GTR
Power: 208 kW (280PS) @ 6800
Torque: 392 Nm (289.1 lb-ft) @ 4400
Weight: 1666 kg (3673 lbs)
2005 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution IX GSR
Power: 208 kW (280PS) @ 7500
Torque: 407 Nm (300 lb-ft) @ 3500
Weight: 1410 kg (3109 lbs)
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